A Hodgepodge of Thoughts

• I've been reading A Biblical Walk Through the Mass by Dr. Edward Sri for a church bible study.  It's been pretty thought provoking.  I'm only through Part 2, but I think that it really is allowing me to deepen my understanding of the Mass and the whole Mass.  So far, it has really helped me to become more deliberate with the sign of the cross.  I never realized the meaning and significance of this outward sign.  Now, I was never "swatting flies", but I feel like I can do it more reverently and and with greater intention.  It just feels more powerful, having read his reflections on the act.  His basic premise was that the sign of the cross is an act of self-protection and a sign of your deep faith in Christ.  I hope you'll take the time to read this book, especially with the coming Mass changes, as I feel it has the ability to really deepen your experience in the Mass.
• I've also started reading "The boy who came back from heaven" by Kevin Malarkey.  It's not Church-sanctioned, but I think it will be an interesting read, taken with a grain of salt.  I'm fascinated by stories of near-death experiences. The stories that come back from Heaven, about Our Lord, are just so interesting to me.  I know we don't have to "believe" them, yet I really like just an idea of what may await us.
• The new television schedule has been fun.  I love when the seasons start for my favorite shows, or finding new shoes.  One of "my" shows has been Guiliana and Bill.  I really identified with the fertility troubles that they are experiencing, though mine were different.  It does kind of tear at my heart to watch them go through their IVF, from two perspectives.  The first, is the obvious one, I remember how hard it was to try to conceive and I can still tap all those emotions that we experienced before our son came along.  The second, however, regardless of the empathy I feel for the couple, I struggle with the idea that they are creating so many embryos to just destroy the majority of them.  The most recent episode included a scene with a genetic counselor saying "We will create many embryos, so that we can increase our odds.  Our hope is to avoid you experiencing this again." Every fiber of my being was screaming, "What about the other babies?!?!  What are you going to to do with ALL of the embryos you create."  I guess while a big part of me totally identifies with that desire to have a child, part of me struggles with the idea of creating babies to destroy babies.  Having had three early losses, the idea of technically "conceiving" babies and then destroying them is incomprehensible to me.  This isn't judgment, so much as deep angst and grief for those little ones who don't survive.  (And maybe the hope that more in the world will share this view someday.  I hate the idea that "embryos" are seen as less than human, yet pregnant dogs seem to be given more protection from violence for their young.)

Offering it up

I've been really struggling lately with the miscarriage. We decided to try to conceive (TTC) again this cycle with hopes that maybe we'd luck out.  I'm still waiting to find out the results.  It's so hard though.  This was my third miscarriage.  We had two before my son and now this one on our second round of TTC.  It is terribly difficult to see everyone around me with their large families and feel like I'm static.  We could easily have a second or be on a third child by now.  I just find it painful that we're still waiting.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for my son's presence in our lives.  He is my greatest joy.  I truly just want him to experience a sibling and the joy that eventually comes from that special kind of love.   For now, I'm trying hard to offer my pains for those in purgatory.  I manage better on some days than others.  I'm sure that my prayer life could use a tweaking, too.  There are times when I so easily find myself going to God, and then I feel like my rollercoaster changes and I'm not praying as well.  Then I feel guilty.  It's cyclical for me and I wish that it wasn't.  I guess that's a daily decision that I really need to make more often.  Hopefully, Lent will give me that opportunity.  Or maybe I should say, maybe Lent will give me a reason to push harder to make that adjustment.  In the meantime, I also need to start invoking the intercession of a few saints again.  Is there a saint for the agony of the dreaded "Two Week Wait"?  That time when you know that you have ovulated but no pregnancy test can possibly tell you if you are pregnant yet?  Believe me, they sure arent' telling me anything.  I've tested about 4 or 5 times this week.  Kind of sad, huh? 

I've also found it hard b/c my son is two and apparently that is the time to start trying again.  At least in other people's minds.  We've been fielding questions of when we'll have our second and it's tough.  I've finally decided that I'm telling the truth, and you can deal with the backlash of your question.  It's kind of a rude question really, however, well-intentioned.  To me, it's the equivalent of "Did you get laid last night?"  Short of a frat-boy, who asks that as an adult.  But, when it comes to children, it's an acceptable question.  Is it really all that different though? :)