The Unintentional Lactivist

When I had my son, I always planned to breastfeed.  It was important to me.  I hoped that maybe if I did, he would avoid the horrible allergies that I had growing up.  Kleenex-box-in-every-room-and-the-car allergies.  Immunology-shot allergies.  So I nursed him.  I kept that up for nearly two years with desperate hopes that maybe he would be saved from what I felt was a curse.  I was certain that breastfeeding imparted some sort of protection because of the very scientific evidence of my sister and me.  My mom could only nurse me for four months, my sister went for fourteen.  Guess who didn't have allergies?  (Or not many to speak of, anyway.)

So, I nursed and in public, even with my nursing cover, I was a little timid.  It felt like the whole world was watching me and it made me feel like I had to watch when I did or did not do it.  It probably didn't help that my mom was a little neurotic about it all, freaking out that someone might see me.  Okay, she was truly supportive, just still neurotic. I did alright, but never truly felt comfortable.  Ultimately by 23 months, I was tired of him climbing all over me, and felt I had really given it my best shot.  My goal had really only been one year, anyway. So we worked on weaning and I cherish the relationship we developed.

Fast-forward three years to baby #2.  Maybe it is the fact that I had so much time under my belt from the first one.  Maybe I've just become less self-concious. All I know is that I'm nursing when and where I need to this time around.  I still cover myself as much as possible, but I will nurse her when she needs.  That's a warning to anyone who wants to give me guff for it.  I've had my share of people staring incredulously while I pull on the cover, latch her on and then proceed to walk behind my son.  Maybe their awed by my super-duper breastfeeding skills.  haha  I really feel as if they are saying, "What are you doing nursing her like that here?!?!  Shouldn't you find a corner?"  Thankfully, no one has called me out on it because they might have heard an earful.

And that's what I mean when I say that I've become an unintentional lactivist. I think breastfeeding, if you can do it, is best.  I think that extended breastfeeding is even better for sake of immunity.  There are those pushing me right now to start solids, and I will soon, but starting purely because she is 6 months old seems like a silly reason to me.  I've done the research, exclusive breastfeeding through 7 months increases the likelihood of your child avoiding anemia.  Iron is more readily accessible in breastmilk.  I decided to wait.  It just strikes me as funny that in three short years, I've become so comfortable.

I was struck the other day by the thought that Mary probably breastfed Jesus when and where he needed it.  They probably didn't have the same taboos as we do today, because there was no formula.  People weren't offended because that was just how babies ate.  I cannot imagine that Mary would look down at her baby and say, "Well this is not only my child but my God, however I am not going to feed him right now because someone might be uncomfortable."  Same is true for me.

A million years later, I return

So much has happened since I started trying to keep this blog that I'm not sure I can capture it all right now, especially in the midst of naptime.  I just know that once I get on a roll, someone is going to interrupt me!  And so maybe that is where I should begin.  In the past year and a half since I started the blog, we have added a new baby girl to our family.  And then there were four!  (And what a birth story, but I'll save that for another day.)  Most days I love it immensely and cannot thank God enough for blessing me with this life I call my own.  The smiles and the laughs keep me going and build me up.  My two little ones make living completely worth it.  Even when both are crying and one is throwing up.  (Not that those are fun days...)  There are of course the occasional days where I'm a zombie by the time my beloved husband comes home, but isn't that life?  It's just par for the course to me.  Even working would provide me with a day like that.

When I started writing, I was in the throes of grief.  We had been through three miscarriages.  Three.  One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Three was the kind of drag you to the bottom of the ocean pain that I never thought I would survive.  I was BITTER.  I was mad at God and I just wanted to take it out on someone.  Yet, we survived.  We grew stronger.  Our family is that much more for what we have been through.  I just had yet to realize that.  I had yet to determine that maybe I was not being "smote" for some past wrong doing, maybe things just happen.  Bad, sucky, hard things.  They do.  They happen, and we glean what bit of knowledge that we can from them, and we move on.  Some days that is easier said than done.

It took attending and participating in Christ Renews His Parish to really see God's hand in my life.  To view this change as a blessing in disguise.  I now fully believe that there will be a day when I get to see and hold my little babies.  In the meantime, they are in the best care possible...God's Hands.  Could I ask for more?  Isn't that what I'd ultimately want for my current children on Earth?  We raise our kids hoping that someday they will make it to heaven.  Well, I believe that in God's infinite mercy, my babies are up there.  Had we had the ability to baptize these little lost babies before they made their way beyond, we certainly would have.  It brings me such peace, joy and happiness to believe that.

Here's what I've learned from all of this:
1.  God is great.  He is merciful and loving.  He has a plan, no matter how hard it seems.  Christ holds us up and helps us to keep moving even when we feel that we can't take another step.  We are not alone.

2.  Conception may be hard for us, but it will be worth it.  I've come to terms with the realization that anytime we hope to have children, it may take awhile.  We may end up miscarrying again, maybe more than once.  While that thought brings me some degree of pain, I also am now aware of how strong we really are, and that we can get through it.  I KNOW how special my little ones are to me, and that even if we suffer, they make every day brighter while we have them here.

3.  Plans don't work out as you'd expect.  Trite, I know.  And yet, that doesn't stop every other person from asking us if we are done having children or when we might try again. (Even as we are raising a 6 month-old and a 3.5 year old.)  I answer honestly.  I don't know.  I have no idea what might happen when.  I have no idea if we'll be able to have more children.  I'd love it, and I know God already knows that, but it's not up to me.  If it were up to me, I would probably not have been through our past trials, and I think I would appreciate my current state a little less.  That's not to say that everyone who easily has children takes them for granted, but it does mean that I might have.  I know in the depths of my heart that if I hadn't been through this process, I would probably forget how valuable my children are, especially during the hard days.  Now, I just remind myself how desperately I wanted to be here.  That's always a good, swift kick in the pants!

4.  Life is good. I've said it previously, and it still rings true.  I never feel the need to stop marveling at how amazing my life has become, how much the Lord has blessed me.  I hope that I'm passing on these blessings to meet his satisfaction.  It's truly a humbling experience to be a wife and mother.  I am just so thrilled to be along for the ride!

Peace of Christ be with you

I truly think that everyone I know either has two children, or is pregnant with their second.  Painful!  It is one of the hardest things.  I always thought having a child meant that I wouldn't go through this degree of pain again.  The first two miscarriages were horrible because I thought that I would never have a child.  This one is hard because I am ready for another child, and I really hope that my son will not be an only-child.  It's not that I think there is anything wrong with only children.  I just really want him to experience siblings.  My sister and I were pretty close growing up, and I think that he deserves a similar experience.  I understand that there is no telling how close they might be, but I do hope he will have that one of these days.

In the meantime, I keep saying Seven Sorrows Rosaries.  I think they actually help me feel a little better with my suffering and sorrow.  I know I'll never feel 100% great about this situation, but at least it gives me a chance to improve my feelings.  There is a retreat in my parish coming up in a week, and I am so looking forward to it because it will give me a chance to enhance my relationship with God.  It seems like it's suffering a little right now, all my pain is making it hard to turn to Him.  I know that will change someday.  Hopefully the retreat will speed that up.  This feeling is abhorrable! 

Exhausted!

It's been such a long day. I started the morning with a speeding ticket which I want to attribute to the city closing both exits around the street that I needed. I wasn't used to driving on that stretch of road to get to my destination. But really, I guess it was just my driving. I could swear that I was with the speed of traffic, though! *sigh*

I followed that up by grocery shopping and putting away loads of laundry, and now I have a whiny child. What I wouldn't give for a break. What did Mary do during her long days? How did she do it? I imagine she managed much more gracefully than I usually do. I'm a much less cheerful mother on days like this. All I really want is a good nap, and none is in sight. Sorry for the complaints. It's just that kind of day today.

Hmm...

Well, we were all sick this weekend. A killer supposed "24 hr virus" that seems to be going around. It was about that long for my husband and son. I however was knocked out until Wednesday. So convenient when caring for a child! ;)

I decided to keep trying to offer it up. Though I did my fair share of complaining, too. I need to work on that one! We totally got off track with our Lenten tree. It's a cool thing that our Mom's group at church has put together. There is a book with scripture readings for each day, and an ornament that corresponds to go on a tree. The concept is similar to the Jesse Tree. My son has been loving it! He thinks it is so cool to hang the ornaments and to look at them while I read. We were really keeping up with them, until we all got sick. Now we need to catch up and get back on track! Anyway, consider it, if you are looking for a way to delve deeper into Lent next year. I think it's been worthwhile. Next year should prove to be even better b/c he'll get it more, I think.

I am so blessed! I just look at my family and smile. Yes, I'd love to have more children. But the child that I currently have is amazing, as is my husband. I'm a lucky woman! Life is pretty good.

Offering it up

I've been really struggling lately with the miscarriage. We decided to try to conceive (TTC) again this cycle with hopes that maybe we'd luck out.  I'm still waiting to find out the results.  It's so hard though.  This was my third miscarriage.  We had two before my son and now this one on our second round of TTC.  It is terribly difficult to see everyone around me with their large families and feel like I'm static.  We could easily have a second or be on a third child by now.  I just find it painful that we're still waiting.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for my son's presence in our lives.  He is my greatest joy.  I truly just want him to experience a sibling and the joy that eventually comes from that special kind of love.   For now, I'm trying hard to offer my pains for those in purgatory.  I manage better on some days than others.  I'm sure that my prayer life could use a tweaking, too.  There are times when I so easily find myself going to God, and then I feel like my rollercoaster changes and I'm not praying as well.  Then I feel guilty.  It's cyclical for me and I wish that it wasn't.  I guess that's a daily decision that I really need to make more often.  Hopefully, Lent will give me that opportunity.  Or maybe I should say, maybe Lent will give me a reason to push harder to make that adjustment.  In the meantime, I also need to start invoking the intercession of a few saints again.  Is there a saint for the agony of the dreaded "Two Week Wait"?  That time when you know that you have ovulated but no pregnancy test can possibly tell you if you are pregnant yet?  Believe me, they sure arent' telling me anything.  I've tested about 4 or 5 times this week.  Kind of sad, huh? 

I've also found it hard b/c my son is two and apparently that is the time to start trying again.  At least in other people's minds.  We've been fielding questions of when we'll have our second and it's tough.  I've finally decided that I'm telling the truth, and you can deal with the backlash of your question.  It's kind of a rude question really, however, well-intentioned.  To me, it's the equivalent of "Did you get laid last night?"  Short of a frat-boy, who asks that as an adult.  But, when it comes to children, it's an acceptable question.  Is it really all that different though? :) 

Left to tell

It has taken me awhile to post on my blog.  Sorry.  In the middle of December, I had a miscarriage.  Between that and the holidays, the blog kind of fell to the wayside.  We decided to name our angel baby Maura.  And, no, I do not believe that our child is actually an angel.  I do however pray so often that this baby and the two that we lost before were taken into heaven.  While reading the book, "Life-giving Love" by Kimberly Hahn, she made a point that had never crossed my mind.  When we are at mass, we celebrate with the communion of saints, meaning those who have passed before us and made it to heaven.  It is some comfort to me that through God's mercy, I could be celebrating mass with my children that have gone before. 

On another note, and related to the title of this post, I have been reading "Left to Tell" and "Our Lady of Kibeho", both by Immaculee Ilibagiza.  These books are amazing and so inspiring.  They make me feel that my love of Our Mother is so small compared to these other people in the books.  My worship to God is so lacking in comparison.  Yes, don't compare ourselves, but it is still an inspiring thing.  I fall short and now feel like I need to do so much more in my faith life.  If you get a chance to read these books, please do.  They are inspiring and informative.  It makes me so sad to know the degree of devastation in the Rwanda genocides.  You start to question what could make people so hateful to kill so many people.  It hurts my heart to think about what the surviving Tutsis lived through. 

I want to end with prayer intentions for Haiti.  I hope that you will keep them in your prayers and do what you possibly can to help.  Catholic Relief Services and Food for the Poor are both great charities that are providing the people in Haiti with help.  God bless!