A Hodgepodge of Thoughts

• I've been reading A Biblical Walk Through the Mass by Dr. Edward Sri for a church bible study.  It's been pretty thought provoking.  I'm only through Part 2, but I think that it really is allowing me to deepen my understanding of the Mass and the whole Mass.  So far, it has really helped me to become more deliberate with the sign of the cross.  I never realized the meaning and significance of this outward sign.  Now, I was never "swatting flies", but I feel like I can do it more reverently and and with greater intention.  It just feels more powerful, having read his reflections on the act.  His basic premise was that the sign of the cross is an act of self-protection and a sign of your deep faith in Christ.  I hope you'll take the time to read this book, especially with the coming Mass changes, as I feel it has the ability to really deepen your experience in the Mass.
• I've also started reading "The boy who came back from heaven" by Kevin Malarkey.  It's not Church-sanctioned, but I think it will be an interesting read, taken with a grain of salt.  I'm fascinated by stories of near-death experiences. The stories that come back from Heaven, about Our Lord, are just so interesting to me.  I know we don't have to "believe" them, yet I really like just an idea of what may await us.
• The new television schedule has been fun.  I love when the seasons start for my favorite shows, or finding new shoes.  One of "my" shows has been Guiliana and Bill.  I really identified with the fertility troubles that they are experiencing, though mine were different.  It does kind of tear at my heart to watch them go through their IVF, from two perspectives.  The first, is the obvious one, I remember how hard it was to try to conceive and I can still tap all those emotions that we experienced before our son came along.  The second, however, regardless of the empathy I feel for the couple, I struggle with the idea that they are creating so many embryos to just destroy the majority of them.  The most recent episode included a scene with a genetic counselor saying "We will create many embryos, so that we can increase our odds.  Our hope is to avoid you experiencing this again." Every fiber of my being was screaming, "What about the other babies?!?!  What are you going to to do with ALL of the embryos you create."  I guess while a big part of me totally identifies with that desire to have a child, part of me struggles with the idea of creating babies to destroy babies.  Having had three early losses, the idea of technically "conceiving" babies and then destroying them is incomprehensible to me.  This isn't judgment, so much as deep angst and grief for those little ones who don't survive.  (And maybe the hope that more in the world will share this view someday.  I hate the idea that "embryos" are seen as less than human, yet pregnant dogs seem to be given more protection from violence for their young.)

Christ in front of me, Christ behind me

Beautiful picture from Lostseed.com.  Regardless of the tear, I felt that it was such a great picture of Our Lord watching over us always...maybe even feeling our struggles?

The above title comes from the popular prayer:

Christ Be With Me

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,Christ on my right, Christ on my left,Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit, Christ where I arise,Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks to me,Christ in every eye that sees me,Christ in every ear that hears me.Salvation is of the Lord.Salvation is of the Christ.

May your salvation, Lord, be ever with us.

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Catholic/Comfort/Christ-Be-With-Me.aspx#ixzz1WMOR9N6e


I felt that it most accurately portrayed my feelings today at mass. I had the most overwhelming sense of Christ's presence in the mass.  While I know we recognize Christ in the Eucharist by means of transubstantiation, I was struck by so much more.  Christ is the Word incarnate, so He is in the Gospel. I found it very thought provoking to consider Christ as the Word being on the same altar as the presence of Christ in the Holy Eucharist within the Tabernacle.  It was an overwhelming sense of Him being on our altar in many forms at one time. He is present in each of us, so we are one body in Christ.  Once when I was a Eucharistic Minister, I had the thought that I was handing out the Body of Christ TO the Body of Christ- the congregation.  We are literally surrounded during mass by His presence from the beginning to the very end.  "Go forth with to love and serve the Lord."  We the Body of Christ receive the admonishment to remember Our Lord's presence in daily life.  It feels so amazing to remember that even when you are having a bad day, you can go to the church and experience the love of Christ personally.  Or that you can look within, through prayer, and find Him there with you again.

"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, to the close of the age."

-Matthew 28:20

Ever grateful!

This experience post-surgery has really taught me so much about my family and my friends.  My mother has been helping almost around the clock.  Not easy!  It's hard working taking care of a small child and an infant (last week, I was also included in that mix).  Whew!  I know it wasn't easy for her or my husband when he had the duty on the weekends, because I can't imagine an adult with little capability into the mix.  I live the child care portion, and I know what work that is, but to add someone else must have been exhausting!  My mother and husband both really stepped in and showed their love for our family.  The self-sacrifice that they showed in caring for us really impressed me.  At one point, I would need something, the baby would be crying and the preschooler would be running around yelling.  Chaos!  If it was a sitcom, it may have been amusing. Can't you picture the episode?  Oh, and add in large dog with his own needs, I'm sure you can picture the constant work.  But, they managed and we all lived to tell the story.  I'm not saying that anyone else has it easier, I'm sure larger families only have more on their plates.  For me, though, this was an example of extreme self giving and love.

Our friends too, have stepped in to help me when my parents could not. They came to the house to care for the three of us, mostly carrying the baby since I could not. (Ugh!)  They brought meals, and more importantly, said prayers.  I am ever thankful for the Lord's mercy and grace that He provides.  Without the amazing people that He put in my life, his process would have been so much more difficult.  Friends and family can truly be a witness of Christ in action!

A million years later, I return

So much has happened since I started trying to keep this blog that I'm not sure I can capture it all right now, especially in the midst of naptime.  I just know that once I get on a roll, someone is going to interrupt me!  And so maybe that is where I should begin.  In the past year and a half since I started the blog, we have added a new baby girl to our family.  And then there were four!  (And what a birth story, but I'll save that for another day.)  Most days I love it immensely and cannot thank God enough for blessing me with this life I call my own.  The smiles and the laughs keep me going and build me up.  My two little ones make living completely worth it.  Even when both are crying and one is throwing up.  (Not that those are fun days...)  There are of course the occasional days where I'm a zombie by the time my beloved husband comes home, but isn't that life?  It's just par for the course to me.  Even working would provide me with a day like that.

When I started writing, I was in the throes of grief.  We had been through three miscarriages.  Three.  One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Three was the kind of drag you to the bottom of the ocean pain that I never thought I would survive.  I was BITTER.  I was mad at God and I just wanted to take it out on someone.  Yet, we survived.  We grew stronger.  Our family is that much more for what we have been through.  I just had yet to realize that.  I had yet to determine that maybe I was not being "smote" for some past wrong doing, maybe things just happen.  Bad, sucky, hard things.  They do.  They happen, and we glean what bit of knowledge that we can from them, and we move on.  Some days that is easier said than done.

It took attending and participating in Christ Renews His Parish to really see God's hand in my life.  To view this change as a blessing in disguise.  I now fully believe that there will be a day when I get to see and hold my little babies.  In the meantime, they are in the best care possible...God's Hands.  Could I ask for more?  Isn't that what I'd ultimately want for my current children on Earth?  We raise our kids hoping that someday they will make it to heaven.  Well, I believe that in God's infinite mercy, my babies are up there.  Had we had the ability to baptize these little lost babies before they made their way beyond, we certainly would have.  It brings me such peace, joy and happiness to believe that.

Here's what I've learned from all of this:
1.  God is great.  He is merciful and loving.  He has a plan, no matter how hard it seems.  Christ holds us up and helps us to keep moving even when we feel that we can't take another step.  We are not alone.

2.  Conception may be hard for us, but it will be worth it.  I've come to terms with the realization that anytime we hope to have children, it may take awhile.  We may end up miscarrying again, maybe more than once.  While that thought brings me some degree of pain, I also am now aware of how strong we really are, and that we can get through it.  I KNOW how special my little ones are to me, and that even if we suffer, they make every day brighter while we have them here.

3.  Plans don't work out as you'd expect.  Trite, I know.  And yet, that doesn't stop every other person from asking us if we are done having children or when we might try again. (Even as we are raising a 6 month-old and a 3.5 year old.)  I answer honestly.  I don't know.  I have no idea what might happen when.  I have no idea if we'll be able to have more children.  I'd love it, and I know God already knows that, but it's not up to me.  If it were up to me, I would probably not have been through our past trials, and I think I would appreciate my current state a little less.  That's not to say that everyone who easily has children takes them for granted, but it does mean that I might have.  I know in the depths of my heart that if I hadn't been through this process, I would probably forget how valuable my children are, especially during the hard days.  Now, I just remind myself how desperately I wanted to be here.  That's always a good, swift kick in the pants!

4.  Life is good. I've said it previously, and it still rings true.  I never feel the need to stop marveling at how amazing my life has become, how much the Lord has blessed me.  I hope that I'm passing on these blessings to meet his satisfaction.  It's truly a humbling experience to be a wife and mother.  I am just so thrilled to be along for the ride!