A Hodgepodge of Thoughts

• I've been reading A Biblical Walk Through the Mass by Dr. Edward Sri for a church bible study.  It's been pretty thought provoking.  I'm only through Part 2, but I think that it really is allowing me to deepen my understanding of the Mass and the whole Mass.  So far, it has really helped me to become more deliberate with the sign of the cross.  I never realized the meaning and significance of this outward sign.  Now, I was never "swatting flies", but I feel like I can do it more reverently and and with greater intention.  It just feels more powerful, having read his reflections on the act.  His basic premise was that the sign of the cross is an act of self-protection and a sign of your deep faith in Christ.  I hope you'll take the time to read this book, especially with the coming Mass changes, as I feel it has the ability to really deepen your experience in the Mass.
• I've also started reading "The boy who came back from heaven" by Kevin Malarkey.  It's not Church-sanctioned, but I think it will be an interesting read, taken with a grain of salt.  I'm fascinated by stories of near-death experiences. The stories that come back from Heaven, about Our Lord, are just so interesting to me.  I know we don't have to "believe" them, yet I really like just an idea of what may await us.
• The new television schedule has been fun.  I love when the seasons start for my favorite shows, or finding new shoes.  One of "my" shows has been Guiliana and Bill.  I really identified with the fertility troubles that they are experiencing, though mine were different.  It does kind of tear at my heart to watch them go through their IVF, from two perspectives.  The first, is the obvious one, I remember how hard it was to try to conceive and I can still tap all those emotions that we experienced before our son came along.  The second, however, regardless of the empathy I feel for the couple, I struggle with the idea that they are creating so many embryos to just destroy the majority of them.  The most recent episode included a scene with a genetic counselor saying "We will create many embryos, so that we can increase our odds.  Our hope is to avoid you experiencing this again." Every fiber of my being was screaming, "What about the other babies?!?!  What are you going to to do with ALL of the embryos you create."  I guess while a big part of me totally identifies with that desire to have a child, part of me struggles with the idea of creating babies to destroy babies.  Having had three early losses, the idea of technically "conceiving" babies and then destroying them is incomprehensible to me.  This isn't judgment, so much as deep angst and grief for those little ones who don't survive.  (And maybe the hope that more in the world will share this view someday.  I hate the idea that "embryos" are seen as less than human, yet pregnant dogs seem to be given more protection from violence for their young.)

Life Is Sweet!

That was the inscription on the decorations for the tables, today, at a reception that we attended.  It was also basically the theme of the weekend- truly a celebration of life.  (And my main excuse for not getting to this blog in a few days.  Sorry!)

Yesterday, my husband rode in a ride for the MS Society.  (While I think the connections are morally black, he decides what he wants to do, so ride he does...)  He biked 35-miles, with the option of going farther, however the weather was rainy and we had a birthday party to attend.  Celebration #1 was the ride.  From the MS ride, we drove to the 1st birthday party of our friends' baby daughter. The theme was music. There were nine children between the ages of four and six months.  It was truly a fun time watching all of the children interact and have fun.  The babies were having fun with the other babies and the big kids were having their own fun.  Adults, of course, served as entourage for the children: schlepping, feeding, cleaning, photo taking.  But really, it was a great time for all, and all were perfectly tired following celebration of life numero dos.

Today we awoke and after my son exited School of Religion, Pre-K, we drove to yet another birthday party.  This time, the celebrant turned 2 and the theme was trucks.  Our friends' son had a pretty good time, though he napped through the first half hour as everyone arrived.  He seemed happy to play with all the children, though.  Again, another nine children, not all the same, but similar age range as some of the families did repeat.  It was nice to catch up with the respective families at each celebration. Part of growing up, is meeting new people and the families that helped form them, but the catch is that even if you develop good relationships with the extended family, you really don't see them as often as you would like.  Birthdays are an excellent opportunity to catch up.

Our third celebration ended, and we moved on to celebration number four.  Definitely a more somber celebration than the first three, but just as important.  A dear friend of ours, that we have known for nine years now, was diagnosed with breast cancer almost six months ago.  She endured a double-mastectomy and chemotherapy over the summer, and for now, prognosis seems good.  We attended a beautiful Mass of Thanksgiving, and then the reception that followed.  It was beautiful:  pink everywhere, friends that most of us have not seen in months, and candy/sweets as far as the eye can see.  It was like falling into the cotton candy bin, though the candy was far more varied.  Our friend looked beautiful, regardless of the fact that she had lost her hair and that she had been through so much, she glowed with the promise of future days with friends and family.  It was touching to see her parents there to support her.  I was struck by the fact that they too were once holding their baby girl not knowing what awaited them so many years later.  It made me sad, but gave me hope for them and hope for each of us out there.  We all have our trials and tribulations.  We all have so many, many blessings to be thankful for, but God walks us through each step along the way.  He provides us with so much: comfort, strength, moments of joy.

The priest today gave a beautiful homily discussing the Gospel story: the workers who were paid the same regardless of when they came.  He made a point that I'd never heard when hearing this story before.  The workers that were chosen first were likely the strongest and the most able to give a full days work.  Those chosen later on in the day, were likely the weaker or less healthy or possibly women and children, who also needed a days wages.  The wages in that time were just enough to feed your family and yourself.  So, the master, was making sure that regardless of ability, everyone received what they needed.  He was not trying to gyp the first workers, only ensuring that those who were least able to work could still eat and feed their families.  Father said that we should remember in those times that seem unfair, that God is providing us with what we need and nothing more.  He is making good out of our experiences and helping changes take place that can increase our holiness.

It hit me in that moment.  It truly felt like the priest was talking to me.  Maybe it was the location.  We were married in the same church almost six and a half years ago, and experienced both the miscarriages in that church.  Walking in today, that was on my mind, but after the homily, it occurred to me that maybe it was in some way to lead us to the parish that is now our home.  I'm NOT saying that God caused the miscarriages, but rather that out of the pain, He led us to our current beautiful home.  A place of great growth and great peace, amazing friends and a pastor for whom I never cease to be thankful.  Beautiful things can come out of great sorrow, and yes my friends, life is sweet!

Since it's ilegible: "Alleluia, Salvation, and glory, and honor, and power, unto the Lord Christ Jesus!"

A million years later, I return

So much has happened since I started trying to keep this blog that I'm not sure I can capture it all right now, especially in the midst of naptime.  I just know that once I get on a roll, someone is going to interrupt me!  And so maybe that is where I should begin.  In the past year and a half since I started the blog, we have added a new baby girl to our family.  And then there were four!  (And what a birth story, but I'll save that for another day.)  Most days I love it immensely and cannot thank God enough for blessing me with this life I call my own.  The smiles and the laughs keep me going and build me up.  My two little ones make living completely worth it.  Even when both are crying and one is throwing up.  (Not that those are fun days...)  There are of course the occasional days where I'm a zombie by the time my beloved husband comes home, but isn't that life?  It's just par for the course to me.  Even working would provide me with a day like that.

When I started writing, I was in the throes of grief.  We had been through three miscarriages.  Three.  One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Three was the kind of drag you to the bottom of the ocean pain that I never thought I would survive.  I was BITTER.  I was mad at God and I just wanted to take it out on someone.  Yet, we survived.  We grew stronger.  Our family is that much more for what we have been through.  I just had yet to realize that.  I had yet to determine that maybe I was not being "smote" for some past wrong doing, maybe things just happen.  Bad, sucky, hard things.  They do.  They happen, and we glean what bit of knowledge that we can from them, and we move on.  Some days that is easier said than done.

It took attending and participating in Christ Renews His Parish to really see God's hand in my life.  To view this change as a blessing in disguise.  I now fully believe that there will be a day when I get to see and hold my little babies.  In the meantime, they are in the best care possible...God's Hands.  Could I ask for more?  Isn't that what I'd ultimately want for my current children on Earth?  We raise our kids hoping that someday they will make it to heaven.  Well, I believe that in God's infinite mercy, my babies are up there.  Had we had the ability to baptize these little lost babies before they made their way beyond, we certainly would have.  It brings me such peace, joy and happiness to believe that.

Here's what I've learned from all of this:
1.  God is great.  He is merciful and loving.  He has a plan, no matter how hard it seems.  Christ holds us up and helps us to keep moving even when we feel that we can't take another step.  We are not alone.

2.  Conception may be hard for us, but it will be worth it.  I've come to terms with the realization that anytime we hope to have children, it may take awhile.  We may end up miscarrying again, maybe more than once.  While that thought brings me some degree of pain, I also am now aware of how strong we really are, and that we can get through it.  I KNOW how special my little ones are to me, and that even if we suffer, they make every day brighter while we have them here.

3.  Plans don't work out as you'd expect.  Trite, I know.  And yet, that doesn't stop every other person from asking us if we are done having children or when we might try again. (Even as we are raising a 6 month-old and a 3.5 year old.)  I answer honestly.  I don't know.  I have no idea what might happen when.  I have no idea if we'll be able to have more children.  I'd love it, and I know God already knows that, but it's not up to me.  If it were up to me, I would probably not have been through our past trials, and I think I would appreciate my current state a little less.  That's not to say that everyone who easily has children takes them for granted, but it does mean that I might have.  I know in the depths of my heart that if I hadn't been through this process, I would probably forget how valuable my children are, especially during the hard days.  Now, I just remind myself how desperately I wanted to be here.  That's always a good, swift kick in the pants!

4.  Life is good. I've said it previously, and it still rings true.  I never feel the need to stop marveling at how amazing my life has become, how much the Lord has blessed me.  I hope that I'm passing on these blessings to meet his satisfaction.  It's truly a humbling experience to be a wife and mother.  I am just so thrilled to be along for the ride!

Peace of Christ be with you

I truly think that everyone I know either has two children, or is pregnant with their second.  Painful!  It is one of the hardest things.  I always thought having a child meant that I wouldn't go through this degree of pain again.  The first two miscarriages were horrible because I thought that I would never have a child.  This one is hard because I am ready for another child, and I really hope that my son will not be an only-child.  It's not that I think there is anything wrong with only children.  I just really want him to experience siblings.  My sister and I were pretty close growing up, and I think that he deserves a similar experience.  I understand that there is no telling how close they might be, but I do hope he will have that one of these days.

In the meantime, I keep saying Seven Sorrows Rosaries.  I think they actually help me feel a little better with my suffering and sorrow.  I know I'll never feel 100% great about this situation, but at least it gives me a chance to improve my feelings.  There is a retreat in my parish coming up in a week, and I am so looking forward to it because it will give me a chance to enhance my relationship with God.  It seems like it's suffering a little right now, all my pain is making it hard to turn to Him.  I know that will change someday.  Hopefully the retreat will speed that up.  This feeling is abhorrable! 

Offering it up

I've been really struggling lately with the miscarriage. We decided to try to conceive (TTC) again this cycle with hopes that maybe we'd luck out.  I'm still waiting to find out the results.  It's so hard though.  This was my third miscarriage.  We had two before my son and now this one on our second round of TTC.  It is terribly difficult to see everyone around me with their large families and feel like I'm static.  We could easily have a second or be on a third child by now.  I just find it painful that we're still waiting.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for my son's presence in our lives.  He is my greatest joy.  I truly just want him to experience a sibling and the joy that eventually comes from that special kind of love.   For now, I'm trying hard to offer my pains for those in purgatory.  I manage better on some days than others.  I'm sure that my prayer life could use a tweaking, too.  There are times when I so easily find myself going to God, and then I feel like my rollercoaster changes and I'm not praying as well.  Then I feel guilty.  It's cyclical for me and I wish that it wasn't.  I guess that's a daily decision that I really need to make more often.  Hopefully, Lent will give me that opportunity.  Or maybe I should say, maybe Lent will give me a reason to push harder to make that adjustment.  In the meantime, I also need to start invoking the intercession of a few saints again.  Is there a saint for the agony of the dreaded "Two Week Wait"?  That time when you know that you have ovulated but no pregnancy test can possibly tell you if you are pregnant yet?  Believe me, they sure arent' telling me anything.  I've tested about 4 or 5 times this week.  Kind of sad, huh? 

I've also found it hard b/c my son is two and apparently that is the time to start trying again.  At least in other people's minds.  We've been fielding questions of when we'll have our second and it's tough.  I've finally decided that I'm telling the truth, and you can deal with the backlash of your question.  It's kind of a rude question really, however, well-intentioned.  To me, it's the equivalent of "Did you get laid last night?"  Short of a frat-boy, who asks that as an adult.  But, when it comes to children, it's an acceptable question.  Is it really all that different though? :) 

Left to tell

It has taken me awhile to post on my blog.  Sorry.  In the middle of December, I had a miscarriage.  Between that and the holidays, the blog kind of fell to the wayside.  We decided to name our angel baby Maura.  And, no, I do not believe that our child is actually an angel.  I do however pray so often that this baby and the two that we lost before were taken into heaven.  While reading the book, "Life-giving Love" by Kimberly Hahn, she made a point that had never crossed my mind.  When we are at mass, we celebrate with the communion of saints, meaning those who have passed before us and made it to heaven.  It is some comfort to me that through God's mercy, I could be celebrating mass with my children that have gone before. 

On another note, and related to the title of this post, I have been reading "Left to Tell" and "Our Lady of Kibeho", both by Immaculee Ilibagiza.  These books are amazing and so inspiring.  They make me feel that my love of Our Mother is so small compared to these other people in the books.  My worship to God is so lacking in comparison.  Yes, don't compare ourselves, but it is still an inspiring thing.  I fall short and now feel like I need to do so much more in my faith life.  If you get a chance to read these books, please do.  They are inspiring and informative.  It makes me so sad to know the degree of devastation in the Rwanda genocides.  You start to question what could make people so hateful to kill so many people.  It hurts my heart to think about what the surviving Tutsis lived through. 

I want to end with prayer intentions for Haiti.  I hope that you will keep them in your prayers and do what you possibly can to help.  Catholic Relief Services and Food for the Poor are both great charities that are providing the people in Haiti with help.  God bless!