Peace of Christ be with you

I truly think that everyone I know either has two children, or is pregnant with their second.  Painful!  It is one of the hardest things.  I always thought having a child meant that I wouldn't go through this degree of pain again.  The first two miscarriages were horrible because I thought that I would never have a child.  This one is hard because I am ready for another child, and I really hope that my son will not be an only-child.  It's not that I think there is anything wrong with only children.  I just really want him to experience siblings.  My sister and I were pretty close growing up, and I think that he deserves a similar experience.  I understand that there is no telling how close they might be, but I do hope he will have that one of these days.

In the meantime, I keep saying Seven Sorrows Rosaries.  I think they actually help me feel a little better with my suffering and sorrow.  I know I'll never feel 100% great about this situation, but at least it gives me a chance to improve my feelings.  There is a retreat in my parish coming up in a week, and I am so looking forward to it because it will give me a chance to enhance my relationship with God.  It seems like it's suffering a little right now, all my pain is making it hard to turn to Him.  I know that will change someday.  Hopefully the retreat will speed that up.  This feeling is abhorrable! 

Exhausted!

It's been such a long day. I started the morning with a speeding ticket which I want to attribute to the city closing both exits around the street that I needed. I wasn't used to driving on that stretch of road to get to my destination. But really, I guess it was just my driving. I could swear that I was with the speed of traffic, though! *sigh*

I followed that up by grocery shopping and putting away loads of laundry, and now I have a whiny child. What I wouldn't give for a break. What did Mary do during her long days? How did she do it? I imagine she managed much more gracefully than I usually do. I'm a much less cheerful mother on days like this. All I really want is a good nap, and none is in sight. Sorry for the complaints. It's just that kind of day today.

Hmm...

Well, we were all sick this weekend. A killer supposed "24 hr virus" that seems to be going around. It was about that long for my husband and son. I however was knocked out until Wednesday. So convenient when caring for a child! ;)

I decided to keep trying to offer it up. Though I did my fair share of complaining, too. I need to work on that one! We totally got off track with our Lenten tree. It's a cool thing that our Mom's group at church has put together. There is a book with scripture readings for each day, and an ornament that corresponds to go on a tree. The concept is similar to the Jesse Tree. My son has been loving it! He thinks it is so cool to hang the ornaments and to look at them while I read. We were really keeping up with them, until we all got sick. Now we need to catch up and get back on track! Anyway, consider it, if you are looking for a way to delve deeper into Lent next year. I think it's been worthwhile. Next year should prove to be even better b/c he'll get it more, I think.

I am so blessed! I just look at my family and smile. Yes, I'd love to have more children. But the child that I currently have is amazing, as is my husband. I'm a lucky woman! Life is pretty good.

Offering it up

I've been really struggling lately with the miscarriage. We decided to try to conceive (TTC) again this cycle with hopes that maybe we'd luck out.  I'm still waiting to find out the results.  It's so hard though.  This was my third miscarriage.  We had two before my son and now this one on our second round of TTC.  It is terribly difficult to see everyone around me with their large families and feel like I'm static.  We could easily have a second or be on a third child by now.  I just find it painful that we're still waiting.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for my son's presence in our lives.  He is my greatest joy.  I truly just want him to experience a sibling and the joy that eventually comes from that special kind of love.   For now, I'm trying hard to offer my pains for those in purgatory.  I manage better on some days than others.  I'm sure that my prayer life could use a tweaking, too.  There are times when I so easily find myself going to God, and then I feel like my rollercoaster changes and I'm not praying as well.  Then I feel guilty.  It's cyclical for me and I wish that it wasn't.  I guess that's a daily decision that I really need to make more often.  Hopefully, Lent will give me that opportunity.  Or maybe I should say, maybe Lent will give me a reason to push harder to make that adjustment.  In the meantime, I also need to start invoking the intercession of a few saints again.  Is there a saint for the agony of the dreaded "Two Week Wait"?  That time when you know that you have ovulated but no pregnancy test can possibly tell you if you are pregnant yet?  Believe me, they sure arent' telling me anything.  I've tested about 4 or 5 times this week.  Kind of sad, huh? 

I've also found it hard b/c my son is two and apparently that is the time to start trying again.  At least in other people's minds.  We've been fielding questions of when we'll have our second and it's tough.  I've finally decided that I'm telling the truth, and you can deal with the backlash of your question.  It's kind of a rude question really, however, well-intentioned.  To me, it's the equivalent of "Did you get laid last night?"  Short of a frat-boy, who asks that as an adult.  But, when it comes to children, it's an acceptable question.  Is it really all that different though? :) 

Left to tell

It has taken me awhile to post on my blog.  Sorry.  In the middle of December, I had a miscarriage.  Between that and the holidays, the blog kind of fell to the wayside.  We decided to name our angel baby Maura.  And, no, I do not believe that our child is actually an angel.  I do however pray so often that this baby and the two that we lost before were taken into heaven.  While reading the book, "Life-giving Love" by Kimberly Hahn, she made a point that had never crossed my mind.  When we are at mass, we celebrate with the communion of saints, meaning those who have passed before us and made it to heaven.  It is some comfort to me that through God's mercy, I could be celebrating mass with my children that have gone before. 

On another note, and related to the title of this post, I have been reading "Left to Tell" and "Our Lady of Kibeho", both by Immaculee Ilibagiza.  These books are amazing and so inspiring.  They make me feel that my love of Our Mother is so small compared to these other people in the books.  My worship to God is so lacking in comparison.  Yes, don't compare ourselves, but it is still an inspiring thing.  I fall short and now feel like I need to do so much more in my faith life.  If you get a chance to read these books, please do.  They are inspiring and informative.  It makes me so sad to know the degree of devastation in the Rwanda genocides.  You start to question what could make people so hateful to kill so many people.  It hurts my heart to think about what the surviving Tutsis lived through. 

I want to end with prayer intentions for Haiti.  I hope that you will keep them in your prayers and do what you possibly can to help.  Catholic Relief Services and Food for the Poor are both great charities that are providing the people in Haiti with help.  God bless!