Peace of Christ be with you

I truly think that everyone I know either has two children, or is pregnant with their second.  Painful!  It is one of the hardest things.  I always thought having a child meant that I wouldn't go through this degree of pain again.  The first two miscarriages were horrible because I thought that I would never have a child.  This one is hard because I am ready for another child, and I really hope that my son will not be an only-child.  It's not that I think there is anything wrong with only children.  I just really want him to experience siblings.  My sister and I were pretty close growing up, and I think that he deserves a similar experience.  I understand that there is no telling how close they might be, but I do hope he will have that one of these days.

In the meantime, I keep saying Seven Sorrows Rosaries.  I think they actually help me feel a little better with my suffering and sorrow.  I know I'll never feel 100% great about this situation, but at least it gives me a chance to improve my feelings.  There is a retreat in my parish coming up in a week, and I am so looking forward to it because it will give me a chance to enhance my relationship with God.  It seems like it's suffering a little right now, all my pain is making it hard to turn to Him.  I know that will change someday.  Hopefully the retreat will speed that up.  This feeling is abhorrable! 

Offering it up

I've been really struggling lately with the miscarriage. We decided to try to conceive (TTC) again this cycle with hopes that maybe we'd luck out.  I'm still waiting to find out the results.  It's so hard though.  This was my third miscarriage.  We had two before my son and now this one on our second round of TTC.  It is terribly difficult to see everyone around me with their large families and feel like I'm static.  We could easily have a second or be on a third child by now.  I just find it painful that we're still waiting.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for my son's presence in our lives.  He is my greatest joy.  I truly just want him to experience a sibling and the joy that eventually comes from that special kind of love.   For now, I'm trying hard to offer my pains for those in purgatory.  I manage better on some days than others.  I'm sure that my prayer life could use a tweaking, too.  There are times when I so easily find myself going to God, and then I feel like my rollercoaster changes and I'm not praying as well.  Then I feel guilty.  It's cyclical for me and I wish that it wasn't.  I guess that's a daily decision that I really need to make more often.  Hopefully, Lent will give me that opportunity.  Or maybe I should say, maybe Lent will give me a reason to push harder to make that adjustment.  In the meantime, I also need to start invoking the intercession of a few saints again.  Is there a saint for the agony of the dreaded "Two Week Wait"?  That time when you know that you have ovulated but no pregnancy test can possibly tell you if you are pregnant yet?  Believe me, they sure arent' telling me anything.  I've tested about 4 or 5 times this week.  Kind of sad, huh? 

I've also found it hard b/c my son is two and apparently that is the time to start trying again.  At least in other people's minds.  We've been fielding questions of when we'll have our second and it's tough.  I've finally decided that I'm telling the truth, and you can deal with the backlash of your question.  It's kind of a rude question really, however, well-intentioned.  To me, it's the equivalent of "Did you get laid last night?"  Short of a frat-boy, who asks that as an adult.  But, when it comes to children, it's an acceptable question.  Is it really all that different though? :) 

So little time...

I'm terrible about blogging often.  It's become hard with this pregnancy and keeping up with my son.  We've been getting ready for my son's upcoming second birthday and the arrival of my in-laws.  We'll have a great time, but it's a bit crazy in the meantime.  My poor, amazing husband did most of the work this weekend, trying to get ready while I laid on the couch feeling terrible.   (Both physically, and for not having the energy to help him a little more.) 

I have to admit, that I'm starting to feel guilty for the changes that will be coming into our home in the next few months.  I love my son dearly, and know that I will love any future children the same, but it still makes me sad that our little daily duo is going to be broken up.  I love the time that we have together.  I am sad that I will not have the same time for him ever again.  I know that I need to use up every moment in the coming months so that we can enjoy our time together while it's just us. 

A sibling is one of the greatest gifts that you can ever give your child- one that will hopefully last long after you are gone.  I understand that, intrinsically, yet there is part of me that wants to hang on to what we have, just a little bit.  I feel bad that I will not be able to spend the same quality time with the new baby as I did with our oldest.  It's something that I know we will get through but ah- the emotions!  I'm sure that the pregnancy hormones are playing a large part in all of it! :)   Well, here's to the next several months. May this pregnancy be healthy.  May the next months bring amazing times and calmer emotions.  May my son be so close with this baby, and hopefully I will be able to give them both what they need to the best of my abilities.