Peace of Christ be with you

I truly think that everyone I know either has two children, or is pregnant with their second.  Painful!  It is one of the hardest things.  I always thought having a child meant that I wouldn't go through this degree of pain again.  The first two miscarriages were horrible because I thought that I would never have a child.  This one is hard because I am ready for another child, and I really hope that my son will not be an only-child.  It's not that I think there is anything wrong with only children.  I just really want him to experience siblings.  My sister and I were pretty close growing up, and I think that he deserves a similar experience.  I understand that there is no telling how close they might be, but I do hope he will have that one of these days.

In the meantime, I keep saying Seven Sorrows Rosaries.  I think they actually help me feel a little better with my suffering and sorrow.  I know I'll never feel 100% great about this situation, but at least it gives me a chance to improve my feelings.  There is a retreat in my parish coming up in a week, and I am so looking forward to it because it will give me a chance to enhance my relationship with God.  It seems like it's suffering a little right now, all my pain is making it hard to turn to Him.  I know that will change someday.  Hopefully the retreat will speed that up.  This feeling is abhorrable! 

Exhausted!

It's been such a long day. I started the morning with a speeding ticket which I want to attribute to the city closing both exits around the street that I needed. I wasn't used to driving on that stretch of road to get to my destination. But really, I guess it was just my driving. I could swear that I was with the speed of traffic, though! *sigh*

I followed that up by grocery shopping and putting away loads of laundry, and now I have a whiny child. What I wouldn't give for a break. What did Mary do during her long days? How did she do it? I imagine she managed much more gracefully than I usually do. I'm a much less cheerful mother on days like this. All I really want is a good nap, and none is in sight. Sorry for the complaints. It's just that kind of day today.

Hmm...

Well, we were all sick this weekend. A killer supposed "24 hr virus" that seems to be going around. It was about that long for my husband and son. I however was knocked out until Wednesday. So convenient when caring for a child! ;)

I decided to keep trying to offer it up. Though I did my fair share of complaining, too. I need to work on that one! We totally got off track with our Lenten tree. It's a cool thing that our Mom's group at church has put together. There is a book with scripture readings for each day, and an ornament that corresponds to go on a tree. The concept is similar to the Jesse Tree. My son has been loving it! He thinks it is so cool to hang the ornaments and to look at them while I read. We were really keeping up with them, until we all got sick. Now we need to catch up and get back on track! Anyway, consider it, if you are looking for a way to delve deeper into Lent next year. I think it's been worthwhile. Next year should prove to be even better b/c he'll get it more, I think.

I am so blessed! I just look at my family and smile. Yes, I'd love to have more children. But the child that I currently have is amazing, as is my husband. I'm a lucky woman! Life is pretty good.

Offering it up

I've been really struggling lately with the miscarriage. We decided to try to conceive (TTC) again this cycle with hopes that maybe we'd luck out.  I'm still waiting to find out the results.  It's so hard though.  This was my third miscarriage.  We had two before my son and now this one on our second round of TTC.  It is terribly difficult to see everyone around me with their large families and feel like I'm static.  We could easily have a second or be on a third child by now.  I just find it painful that we're still waiting.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for my son's presence in our lives.  He is my greatest joy.  I truly just want him to experience a sibling and the joy that eventually comes from that special kind of love.   For now, I'm trying hard to offer my pains for those in purgatory.  I manage better on some days than others.  I'm sure that my prayer life could use a tweaking, too.  There are times when I so easily find myself going to God, and then I feel like my rollercoaster changes and I'm not praying as well.  Then I feel guilty.  It's cyclical for me and I wish that it wasn't.  I guess that's a daily decision that I really need to make more often.  Hopefully, Lent will give me that opportunity.  Or maybe I should say, maybe Lent will give me a reason to push harder to make that adjustment.  In the meantime, I also need to start invoking the intercession of a few saints again.  Is there a saint for the agony of the dreaded "Two Week Wait"?  That time when you know that you have ovulated but no pregnancy test can possibly tell you if you are pregnant yet?  Believe me, they sure arent' telling me anything.  I've tested about 4 or 5 times this week.  Kind of sad, huh? 

I've also found it hard b/c my son is two and apparently that is the time to start trying again.  At least in other people's minds.  We've been fielding questions of when we'll have our second and it's tough.  I've finally decided that I'm telling the truth, and you can deal with the backlash of your question.  It's kind of a rude question really, however, well-intentioned.  To me, it's the equivalent of "Did you get laid last night?"  Short of a frat-boy, who asks that as an adult.  But, when it comes to children, it's an acceptable question.  Is it really all that different though? :) 

Left to tell

It has taken me awhile to post on my blog.  Sorry.  In the middle of December, I had a miscarriage.  Between that and the holidays, the blog kind of fell to the wayside.  We decided to name our angel baby Maura.  And, no, I do not believe that our child is actually an angel.  I do however pray so often that this baby and the two that we lost before were taken into heaven.  While reading the book, "Life-giving Love" by Kimberly Hahn, she made a point that had never crossed my mind.  When we are at mass, we celebrate with the communion of saints, meaning those who have passed before us and made it to heaven.  It is some comfort to me that through God's mercy, I could be celebrating mass with my children that have gone before. 

On another note, and related to the title of this post, I have been reading "Left to Tell" and "Our Lady of Kibeho", both by Immaculee Ilibagiza.  These books are amazing and so inspiring.  They make me feel that my love of Our Mother is so small compared to these other people in the books.  My worship to God is so lacking in comparison.  Yes, don't compare ourselves, but it is still an inspiring thing.  I fall short and now feel like I need to do so much more in my faith life.  If you get a chance to read these books, please do.  They are inspiring and informative.  It makes me so sad to know the degree of devastation in the Rwanda genocides.  You start to question what could make people so hateful to kill so many people.  It hurts my heart to think about what the surviving Tutsis lived through. 

I want to end with prayer intentions for Haiti.  I hope that you will keep them in your prayers and do what you possibly can to help.  Catholic Relief Services and Food for the Poor are both great charities that are providing the people in Haiti with help.  God bless!

So little time...

I'm terrible about blogging often.  It's become hard with this pregnancy and keeping up with my son.  We've been getting ready for my son's upcoming second birthday and the arrival of my in-laws.  We'll have a great time, but it's a bit crazy in the meantime.  My poor, amazing husband did most of the work this weekend, trying to get ready while I laid on the couch feeling terrible.   (Both physically, and for not having the energy to help him a little more.) 

I have to admit, that I'm starting to feel guilty for the changes that will be coming into our home in the next few months.  I love my son dearly, and know that I will love any future children the same, but it still makes me sad that our little daily duo is going to be broken up.  I love the time that we have together.  I am sad that I will not have the same time for him ever again.  I know that I need to use up every moment in the coming months so that we can enjoy our time together while it's just us. 

A sibling is one of the greatest gifts that you can ever give your child- one that will hopefully last long after you are gone.  I understand that, intrinsically, yet there is part of me that wants to hang on to what we have, just a little bit.  I feel bad that I will not be able to spend the same quality time with the new baby as I did with our oldest.  It's something that I know we will get through but ah- the emotions!  I'm sure that the pregnancy hormones are playing a large part in all of it! :)   Well, here's to the next several months. May this pregnancy be healthy.  May the next months bring amazing times and calmer emotions.  May my son be so close with this baby, and hopefully I will be able to give them both what they need to the best of my abilities.

Food, glorious food!

This past summer, we joined a CSA for the first time.  CSA stands for Community Supported Agriculture.  You basically pay for a share of the farm and the farmer will give you part of the harvest.  You hope that you will have a good year, as that effects the amount of food that you receive.  We truly enjoyed being a part of our litttle farm.  She sent newsletters every week with details of the farm life, and we received a box of certified organic produce, wheat berries, and eggs delivered to our house. 

Our original purpose for joining was to take advantage of cheaper and somewhat locally grown food. Our CSA is a bit of a drive, and therefore, they do not expect you to put in time working there as other CSA's might request.  But, it still beats food coming from California to the Midwest.  The variety that we received was incredible.  We tried a few new items like Gooseberries and Delicata Squash.  I made a gooseberry pie for the first time, and it wasn't bad!  They were a little too sour to eat alone, but I did enjoy them.   Our shares included loads of zucchini, onions, squash, and tomatoes.  I chopped, roasted and froze as much as I could.  It felt good to know that my son would be getting food through the summer and winter that was grown with care.  His joy in eating their green beans made it all worth it to me!  This has got to be one of the best ways to get a toddler to eat their fruits/veggies.  If they are this fresh, they will enjoy them! 

I found over time, that aside from getting great organic food, for a great price, we were really helping to be stewards in so many aspects.  First, and most obvious, we were supporting an organic farm.  They take care to grow their produce organically, and this is very good for the environment.  Another great bonus, is that they collected compost from everyone who was willing to save it for them every week.  I was able to save bags of food from entering our landfills every week.  In fact, now that our CSA is done for the year, I'm at a loss with what to do with our produce scraps.  Our homeowners' association does not allow bins in the yard but now I feel guilty throwing it all away! 

The "lightbulb moment" that I barely had recently, though, is that we are helping to support a locally owned farm.  So many farms are reaching corporate production levels that family farms are really hurting, especially during bad years.  You might argue that government subsidies help but it really doesn't do enough to support a farmer's livelihood.  I don't know why this never crossed my mind this summer.  After sending an email saying that we would join for the next year, Marie emailed me back with a "Bless you!"  Suddenly, it dawned on me that this wasn't just like buying from a grocery store.  Everything we do with this farm affects their well-being and ability to make a living.  Our current check was going to help them build some new areas on their land for growing seeds and protecting the plants from harsher weather.  You might want to think about joining one in the coming year to see if it is good for your family.  We will see next summer what the CSA might bring, but even if the proceeds are meager, I will feel that I am doing my part to support someone else's livelihood and the stewardship of the land.